


If only in my dreams

by iamsoashamed



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: M/M, first fic, sad and gay, suffer buddies, writing is hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-29
Updated: 2015-11-29
Packaged: 2018-05-03 22:21:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5309207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamsoashamed/pseuds/iamsoashamed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>one of the few Christmases the winter soldier didn't spend killing, he spent dreaming.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If only in my dreams

**Author's Note:**

> so this is my first fic posted on here, i made it for my friend and tried to make it sad and gay. happy holidays, people! please leave suggestions and comments, i'm all ears.

_i’ll be home for christmas_

_you can count on me_

_please have snow and mistletoe_

_and presents by the tree_

   The soldier stood against the wall, watching the crowd of hydra agents as they laughed and drank out of red cups. He took in the sight of them laughing madly and shoving one another, dressed in bright colors, unlike the usual dark uniform they wore. One of the agents noticed the soldier staring and nudged the man next to him, whispering. the man looked over at the soldier and with an annoyed sigh walked over to him.

 “what are you staring at? shouldn’t you be in the refrigerator or something?” the agent giggled at his bad joke and took of a sip of his drink. The soldier noticed the heavy smell of alcohol on his breath.

 “I’m waiting for instruction.” the soldier replied. the agent raised an eyebrow and put down his drink. “alright.” he whistled over his shoulder and yelled at a younger agent. this agent seemed slightly afraid of the soldier.  “william, come help me store the popsicle in a waiting cell.” the older agent shoved the soldier out the door and into the long, dark hallway. He and william walked behind the soldier, pointing their guns at his back. “come on.” taking one last glance at the party, the soldier began walking down the hallway.

   “sir?” william whispered. he acted like the soldier couldn’t hear them. “you can call me david, will. it’s christmas. we’re all friends here.” david said. christmas. the word sounded familiar to the soldier, but he wasn’t completely sure what it meant.

 “oh. alright, david. um, why do we have to put him in a cell? can’t we just let him stay with us? he doesn’t do anything-” “jesus christ will, he isn’t some stray dog!” david interrupted. “he’s a weapon. we just use him out in the field. he probably doesn’t know what christmas it. do you, soldier?” the soldier thought about it. “well?” david sneered.

  “it...it sounds familiar.” the soldier replied. david was quiet. he pushed his gun to the back of the soldiers head. “hurry up and move.” he ordered. the soldier listened. “pierce better get back soon.” he heard david mumble.

  finally they stopped in front of a large cell door, made of thick steel. “gimme the key.” david stuck his hand out at will. will jumped from where he was looking into the small window of the door and fiddled with his back pocket before dropping a card into the david’s hand. he swiped it into the key holder and the door slid open slowly.

  the cell was dark and damp and smelled like mold. the soldier was used to such conditions. he stepped in and turned to see david shutting the door with a click. “you wait here until pierce gets back and tells us what to do with you.” his voice was muffled through the thick steel. he stepped away from the window and began walking back to the party. will kept looking through the glass at the soldier, his face with a tinge of guilt.  
“hey! you comin?” david yelled. will started to walk away, glanced at the soldier, shook his head and walked out of sight. the soldier pressed his ear against the glass.  “where is pierce anyway?” he heard will ask. “back at home with his family. the man has a life, you know.” their voices faded out and the soldier stepped back. looking around the cell, he saw a small cot, just big enough for him to sleep on. he climbed onto the bed and looked up at the stone ceiling. any sleep the soldier managed to get was full of nightmares full of blood and fog and people he didn’t recognize. but pierce wouldn’t return for at least three days. there was nothing left to do but sleep. reluctantly, the soldier closed his eyes.

_bucky shook off the snow on his shoulders as he walked up the steps of his apartment. the winter in new york was nothing to joke about, harsh and ugly. but this year, the snow fell softly with little wind to send it cutting into your face like glass. bucky was grateful, especially since the heating was slower than usual since everyone was using it at the same time. bucky was also excited, because this year was the first year he had earned enough to give steve what he wanted._

_bucky fumbled with the keys and was opening the door when he heard steve singing. steve was an artist, definitely not a singer. yet bucky loved hearing his voice as much as their neighbors hated hearing it. meaning, a lot. slightly creeping into the apartment. bucky watched steve as he rearranged paper ornaments on the small tree they set up next to the window. he laid his coat on the floor, excitement turned to mischief as he crept up behind steve. “merry christmas, stevie!”                Buck yelled. steve yelped and jumped about a foot in the air. he spun around with fury on his face and shoved bucky in the chest, who was laughing like a maniac._

_“bucky! what the hell!” steve shouted. his frown turned into a small grin at the sight of bucky wheezing on the floor. “shut up buck, it wasn’t that funny.” steve snapped, deciding to act as he was furious with his boyfriend.“you didn’t see your face!” bucky wheezed. he stood up and wiped a small tear from the corner of his eye. he moved to hug steve, but he just punched bucky’s shoulder and walked over to the tree, sitting in front of it, pouting. bucky followed and sat next to steve, throwing an arm over his shoulder. steve wiggled out of his arm and fiddled with an ornament._

_“come on stevie, i didn’t mean to scare you so badly.” steve huffed and elbowed bucky in the  ribs. “ow!” bucky yelped. steve just stuck his tongue out at him. “you’re a jerk.” he snapped._

_“and you’re a punk.” bucky snapped back. he smiled at their inside joke, but steve had a stone face. bucky worried he had actually angered his tiny boyfriend._

_“hey, come on steve, baby-” steve kept ignoring him. bucky leaned back. he remembered why he was so excited to come in and lept up to grab his coat. steve watched him leap up and was suddenly filled with guilt as he watched him tug the coat off the floor. “oh buck, i’m not mad, don’t leave!” he cried. bucky turned to him with a puzzled expression that turned into a grin. “stevie, i’m not leaving. i could never leave you.” he reached inside the coat and took out the present from the inside pocket. “i got you something.” steve relaxed as bucky sat back down next to him, showing him the present. it was wrapped in red parcel, and from the look of it bucky had a hard time getting it to stay on. “it’s an early present. couldn’t wait.”_

_“what is it?” steve asked. “open it and find out.” bucky handed the present to steve. steve eyed it closely, running his fingers over the messy wrapping. “you didn’t get me one of those dildos, did you?” steve teased._

_“just open it, steven.” bucky felt a hot blush on his face. steve shot a look at bucky at the use of his name and started to rip at the wrapping._

_“hope you like it.” bucky said.  he knew steve would, but he hoped steve wouldn’t get mad at how much the present cost._

_steve pulled off the last of the wrapping and his eyes widened, his mouth dropping open._

_it was an art kit steve had his eye on for the past month. a huge amount of paints and pencils he could never afford by itself, into one package. the whole package, of course, was the cost of the paints and pencils together. “holy-bucky, how did you afford this?!” steve beamed at him, making bucky's heart speed up. bucky played cool and shrugged. “i took a few extra shifts at the dock. do you like it?”_

_“Do i like it?” steve said slowly. suddenly, he pounced on bucky, making him let out a squeak as they laid onto the floor. steve pressed his lips against bucky’s cheek, and bucky felt his face turn the shade of rudolph's nose._

_“i’m guessing you like it, then.” bucky said. steve laughed and buried his face into bucky's neck._

_“merry christmas, buck.” steve whispered. bucky smiled into steve’s hair._

_“merry christmas, stevie.”_

 And in his sleep, the soldier smiled.

_i’ll be home for christmas_

_if only in my dreams._

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